There is a myth that sex is intimacy. It is not! Intimacy is the oil that keeps the engine of marriage running. It is more divine than natural. It is the state in marriage where the couple experiences a bond of oneness that cannot be explained. Intimacy is only achieved when all is put on the table; there are no secrets, no walls, just the authentic self. You cannot fake intimacy. It is possible to love someone and not be intimate with them. It is possible to have sex with someone and not have intimacy.
Romance is not intimacy but a way of expressing intimacy. Intimacy is the ingredient that brings love to life. Intimacy makes love tangible. Intimacy allows you to fully know your partner which then leads you to love them; you cannot love that which you do not know.
3 LEVELS OF INTIMACY
1. Masks Stage: This is the lowest level of intimacy; this is because intimacy only comes through authenticity. Since most couples are asleep during courtship and tend to present their ideal self instead of the real self it makes it impossible to connect with an idea of a person. This is the level where you pretend to your partner, “you want to show them you are strong yet you are soft” or “you need them but you act like you do not” or “when they hurt you, you do not shed a tear and yet you want to cry”.
2. Demand Stage: This is the stage at which things that were never demanded from the genesis of the relationship and are now being demanded, become a source of conflict. The demand phase is the most highly volatile level in a relationship because selfishness is at its peak. I have met individuals who at this stage after being married for a while start making an issue out of the fact that their partner never calls them using a pet name such as “darling” or “honey” and yet from the very beginning they were never called by those names and it was never an issue then; yet now it is. What complicates issues at the demand stage is the fact that your spouse has been wired to deal with the masked you. He/ she does not have the required skill set to deal with the unmasked you because at demand stage you do not present a loveable person but a needy person.
3. Vulnerability Stage: This is the peak of emotional intimacy. It is the level that says “I can be me and still feel safe with you”. Vulnerability comes when trust is at its peak; you cannot be vulnerable with a person you do not trust. This stage is the stage where you bring your full self the “good”, the “bad” and the “ugly”. This is a level where a man can cry in front of his wife and not feel ashamed, but feel protected. When you can be vulnerable with your spouse, you allow them to come into your innermost space where no else has ever been.
