As a Relationship Coach, I have learnt that the issues in marriage are not only about bills being payed, or the bills that are not. I have met men and women whose spouses cater for every possible need but still there is tension when money is mentioned. I have also encountered couples whose bills are not all paid and tension amongst these couples are significantly less, why is this? I found out that couples who build financial intimacy, who approach finances as ONE – in the presence or absence of money, have less conflict with finances.
As couples, money, sex, religion and family are entrenched in our belief system and are things we are very passionate, opinionated and defensive about. When these subjects are brought to the table, we must approach them as ONE – careful and sensitive to the opinions of your spouse.
There are three levels of communication, Pro-Active, Re-Active and Radio-Active. Budgeting promotes pro-active communication. “You spent what!!!!?” indicates re-active communication and shock at expenditure. “You are very careless with money!” this is the name calling zone and indicates radio-active communication – here, respect is waning and financial intimacy is at its lowest.
Three Strategies for Overcoming Financial Tension:
1. Prior Agreement: Luke 11:17 a Kingdom divided against itself shall not stand. A simple question I like to ask couples during pre- marital counselling is, how much can your spouse spend without your consent? Budgeting must and should include everything this prevents people from sneaking around and hiding bonuses.
2. Respect and Identify Your Spouse’s Money Language: Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
All of us have a money language which is simply how you view money or how you show your emotions using money.
i. Driver – Money means success and protects against the fear of incompetence. (Loves by Showing)
ii. Amiable – Money means Love and affection, Relationships and people are the focus of their financial desires. (Love by sharing)
iii. Analytics – Money means security it protects them from chaos and problems. (Love by saving)
iv. Expressive – Money means Acceptance and Respect, it is what determines the people in my life. (Love by Spending)
N.B It is important to note that differences in money languages are complementary and this is where the strength is.
3. Practice Mutual Control: Proverbs 22:2, Rich and poor have this in common: The LORD is the Maker of them all, and Ephesians 2:14, for he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, both must have equal control when it comes to finances. There is no room for dominating when it comes to finances this is difficult especially when one person is earning or earning more. Decisions must be made together, as ONE. You will kill intimacy if you control by dominating, bribing or by financial manipulation. Remember, marriage is an institution of mutual respect and equals.
